Screwed

4 Mar

Ok .. so I have realized that I have been eating more than usual this past week.

I am HUNGRY. And I am the kind of person who doesn’t care to eat. I do enjoy good food in a pleasant environment but I don’t really care if I eat my 3 solid meals a day or not. As a matter of fact, my latte and a few pcs of cheese and some crackers will be good enough to last me a day.

But lately?? What on earth is wrong with me. I just can’t stop eating. I am not pregnant so that is not why I am screwed. I think my addiction has finally moved on to FOOD. OH FUCK.

I am sorry, but I am too vain and spent way too much money and will not let it all down the drain. But what can I do? I live a stressful life and don’t have any way to release it. I stopped shopping, stopped drinking (99%), and just stopped living completely.

I am sooooo screwed big time because I worked so hard for my body and I don’t really know what to do. Some decade or so ago, I was one of those people with an eating disorder. I over-came it and I am now healthy. I go to a doctor that watches my health and my weight every 6 weeks to make sure that I am on tip-top shape and that I don’t go below what’s healthy .. but I’m scared. I’m really scared. I don’t want to gain weight, I want to stay healthy, and I want to look good.

This journey has been tougher than I thought. At first it was just the shopping but as I over come one , there’s always another obstacle in the road that I have to face. I am upset and disgusted with my self. I eat when I’m hungry and then I get guilty after I eat. This is a road all too familiar that I don’t want to be in. I DON’T WANT TO BE FAT BUT I CAN’T STOP EATING. I do have the will power and strength to do cold turkey but that is way too dangerous.

Now I can say, I really need a drink. I need a drink and a new purse. This will make me feel good without thinking of food. FOOD IS BAD.

PS

This particular post was not written to offend anyone. I am simply venting and pouring my thoughts out.

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